


The Woes of Teaching

by Magicofisis



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Action/Adventure, Friendship, Hogwarts Era, The Quidditch Pitch: From Diagon Alley to Hogwarts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2006-03-15
Updated: 2006-03-15
Packaged: 2018-10-27 18:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10814262
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Magicofisis/pseuds/Magicofisis
Summary: Severus Snape is an excellent Potions Master – other subjects, not so much.





	The Woes of Teaching

**Author's Note:**

> Note from Annie, the archivist: this story was originally archived at [The Quidditch Pitch](http://fanlore.org/wiki/The_Quidditch_Pitch), which went offline in 2015 when the hosting expired, at a time I was not able to renew it. I contacted Open Doors, hoping to preserve the archive using an old backup, and began importing these works as an Open Doors-approved project in April 2017. Open Doors e-mailed all authors about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [The Quidditch Pitch collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/thequidditchpitch/profile).

  
Author's notes: A very, very belated birthday gift fic for the wonderful [](http://empressov.livejournal.com/profile)[**empressov**](http://empressov.livejournal.com/)! I could never write you anything shippy, dear, but snarky I can do. Warning for attempted humor, no mention of either Vaseline or fish. Beta credit goes to my lovely Kate, without whom I would be as cranky as Snape.  


* * *

Before he came to teach at Hogwarts, Severus Snape lived a miserable existence. It wasn’t that much better once he started teaching, but at least there was a warm bed every night, creature comforts such as house-elves to clean up after him and warm brandy to calm his frazzled nerves. He’d rather have been appointed to the Defense Against the Dark Arts post, but Severus enjoyed Potions, so it wasn’t a hardship. It almost made up for having to deal with children.  
  
His first two years of teaching were difficult. He was the youngest teacher on the staff, and because of this, he felt a need to be a bit stricter than the others – he didn’t want to get a reputation for being soft. When he’d taken the position, fewer than twenty percent of the students who sat for the Potions N.E.W.T. received a pass or better, an abysmal showing if there ever was one. Severus remembered that Slughorn’s teaching style was strong on gossip and matchmaking but ridiculously light on the basic facts needed to pass the N.E.W.T. exam. Since taking over the post, Severus had managed to revamp the curriculum enough to improve the passing rate to seventy percent by the end of his second year. It was quite an achievement, and it earned him high praise from his otherwise unfriendly colleagues.  
  
Having achieved that kind of a result put Severus in a very difficult position when he was singled out during a meeting held just prior to the start of the fall term.  
  
Dumbledore said, “And showing excellent results after only his second year in the post, we should all recognize Severus Snape for his extraordinary achievement in improving Potions scores for our N.E.W.T. students.” There was a smattering of polite applause. “Which is why I am appointing him to an extra duty this year.”  
  
Severus looked up sharply, having heard nothing previously about any additional duties.  
  
Dumbledore continued, “As Poppy Pomfrey reported at our last staff meeting, the number of students disciplined for sexual activity reached an all time high last year. We clearly aren’t doing an adequate job of supervising the areas of the castle that are most conducive to these extracurricular activities. But I am not so naïve as to think that additional patrols will cure this problem. I believe Hogwarts needs to do a better job of sex education so that young men and women will understand the repercussions of their actions.”  
  
Severus didn’t like the direction of this conversation at all. When Dumbledore turned in his direction, Severus felt the bottom drop out of his stomach.  
  
“So now that Professor Kittner has retired and we need a new teacher for the boys' sex education curriculum, it seems like a good opportunity to try a fresh approach from someone who is much closer in age to our young students. I’m asking that Professor Snape take on this additional role to see if we can’t achieve some of the same results on the social front as we have seen in Potions.”  
  
Every other male teacher in the staff room exhaled an enormous sigh of relief. There had been some speculation over who would have the “honor” of teaching that course. More than a few grins flashed in Severus’s direction.  
  
“But Sir,” Severus protested, “I have no experience teaching that sort—”  
  
“I know,” interrupted Dumbledore. “Unfortunately, no one else on our staff does either, since Professor Kittner was the only one to teach it for the past twenty-five years. But I’m certain you’ll be able to find a more effective way to address this unacceptable behavior.”  
  
Dumbledore promptly adjourned the meeting leaving Severus glued to his chair and wondering what had just transpired.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Severus had returned to his office where he found several textbooks and parchments neatly bundled into a satchel and lying on the middle of his desk. There could be no mistake that these were Kittner’s notes on the sex education classes. Hell, Severus could hardly remember Kittner teaching this when he was a student here – how was he ever supposed to improve on it?  
  
He glanced briefly through the parchments – ah yes, now he remembered. There was one course for first years to teach them Latin names for their genitalia, and then another one for fourth years to teach them how to have sex. Or something like that. He snickered at the idea that he, Severus Snape, was ever supposed to teach some fourth-year schoolboy how to have sex with a woman. He toyed with the notion of changing all of the women in the diagrams to men. He supposed it didn’t matter if he scarred the students for life, though: it was not as if anyone would dare to call him on it.  
  
The notes went on for pages and pages. Severus wondered how it could possibly take that many words to convey the concept of “Insert tab A into slot B.” He had real work to complete – potions that would be needed for the infirmary and the harvesting of certain key elements from the Hogwarts grounds. He snorted again at the idea of having to teach this course and tossed the notes aside.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Today was one of those days when Severus was almost sad that the Dark Lord had disappeared, because at least he wouldn’t have to be teaching hormonal dunderheads how not to procreate. With a deep breath, Severus opened the door to his classroom and dramatically swept down the aisle, black robes billowing behind him. The fourth-year boys stopped their chatter the instant they saw him.  
  
Yesterday’s session with the first years had been harmless enough. It being early in the school year, most of them were too shy to ask any questions. So really, all Severus had had to do was teach them the correct anatomical names for their body parts and remind them that their dormitory fellows would be able to hear every gasp when they masturbated which, incidentally, would eventually lead to blindness.  
  
Severus surveyed the room. Most of the students were distinctly trying to avoid his gaze. He almost cracked a smile when his eyes landed on a Slytherin boy sitting in the front row with his robe unclasped and wearing a t-shirt saying, “Kiss my asphodel.”  
  
“Settle down, class,” Severus bellowed unnecessarily. “The syllabus states that I should review anatomy, the basic mechanics of intercourse and some of the more pragmatic aspects of sexual relations, sexually transmitted diseases, contraception and pregnancy.”  
  
There was a titter through the class, diverting Severus’s attention to a Gryffindor boy who had guffawed loudly. “Yes, I said ‘pregnancy.’ Although rare, a wizard does turn up pregnant every few years, so you’d best pay attention to that part. Imagine the severing charm that is required to remove a baby from the belly of a wizard. Still think it’s funny?” Severus glared at the trembling student, who was rendered unable to speak.  
  
“There will be an exam at the end of the unit which will count towards your Potions grade. You will take the exam as many times as necessary until you pass it, but should you fail the first two times, it will then be given orally in front of the school in the Great Hall during lunch time.” Severus flicked his eyes over the class to assure himself that he’d adequately terrified them. “There is a textbook on each desk that will need to be returned at the conclusion of this unit. I recommend that you revise thoroughly.”  
  
The students sat in rapt attention. “Turn to page twenty-seven,” he said.  
  
~*~*~  
  
“Well, Severus, are you winning the battle against teenage angst and hormones?” asked Filius Flitwick with a gleam in his eye.  
  
“Which battle do you mean?”  
  
“I meant the noble but futile cause of trying to convince teenage boys to use common sense when it comes to sex.”  
  
They were waiting for Dumbledore to arrive so that they could begin the staff meeting. Severus noticed that several of the teachers were eavesdropping on their conversation.  
  
Madam Pince leant over towards him. “I must say, Severus, that you seem to have sparked an interest in the subject, because I don’t ever remembering boys reading the sex education textbooks with such enthusiasm or sobriety.”  
  
Severus cleared his throat. “I highly doubt that it is interest in the subject matter motivating them so much as a desire not to have to retake the exam at the end of the unit.”  
  
Madam Pomfrey sat down in the vacant chair on Severus’s other side, and upon hearing the nature of the conversation, she began clucking at him. “Now Severus, I’m not exactly sure what you’ve been telling your first-year students, but I’ve had three boys from different houses approach me this week and ask how long a delay there usually is between masturbating and losing their eyesight.”  
  
An evil smile crept across Severus’s face. “And might I presume that all of them were asking out of concern for their friends?”  
  
“Well, now that you mention it, yes. But you can’t have been teaching them that old wives’ tale, could you?” She cast a stern look in his direction that he remembered well from his days as a student.  
  
Severus tried to shrug off the criticism. “It’s possible that I may have said something that could have been interpreted that way if a student wasn’t fully paying attention. I don’t see that there’s any real harm to it.”  
  
Their conversation was cut short when Dumbledore entered the room.  
  
"Good afternoon. I apologize for my tardiness. It is getting more and more difficult to impress on Minister Bagnold that I have a school to run.  
  
"Before we get started with the reports from Heads of House, Poppy has asked to report first so that she may return to the hospital wing to look after those students suffering from the flu."  
  
Madam Pomfrey gave her report, which covered the recent flu outbreak, the injury and errant hex figures, and her Malingerers Report. Before she left, she said, "I've nearly completed the tally for the previous two months' detention reports that you've all submitted. But it appears that sexual activity violations are way down since October." She stared at Severus. "The data seem to support the effectiveness of Professor Snape's new sex education curriculum. I'll complete my analysis and be prepared to report on it at the next meeting."  
  
Dumbledore beamed and Severus could only shake his head. The Dark Lord would have allowed him to rip that woman's tongue out of her mouth for drawing attention to him like that. Watching Dumbledore's eyes sparkle with amusement was enough to make him physically ill. It was a very long staff meeting.  
  
~*~*~  
  
Severus glided through the halls, robes billowing behind him. He'd just completed his last lesson of the day and was on his way to seek respite in the Staff Room before tackling the third years' Potions examinations. Perhaps that task would require a brandy as well.  
  
He was just pushing open the door when the sound of his name stopped him cold.  
  
"—Snape. Well, of course I don't like him either, but he's doing us a favor, if you ask me." Severus recognized the voice of the Care of Magical Creatures teacher, Kettleburn.  
  
"When has Snape ever done anyone a favor?" said another man – Severus thought it might be Smith, who taught Muggle Studies.  
  
"The sex education classes. I was just talking to Poppy. She told me that every sexual activity violation since Snape started teaching his course has been committed by seventh years – and the total number is down some forty-five percent from last year. Do you see what that means?"  
  
"That's great but—"  
  
"It means that the sex ed course is Snape's for life! No way Dumbledore is going to give that to someone else with those kinds of results. Even if it's just a coincidence, I say we should bend over backwards to give Snape the credit."  
  
"That'll teach him to be so damn smug. Sucker!"  
  
The two men dissolved into laughter as Snape backed away, silently closing the door.  
  
White-hot anger boiled within him, and he knew that if he didn't leave the castle grounds immediately, someone was going to be on the receiving end of a very nasty hex. Severus did not take kindly being disliked, but to be laughed at by his colleagues was more than he could bear.  
  
He almost flew to the castle gates and, once he stepped through them, Apparated to the Hogs Head to drown his sorrows.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Has everyone read up to page one hundred and fifty-three?" Severus boomed, his baritone voice reverberating off the stone walls of the dungeon. All around him, heads were nodding fervently.  
  
"Good. Then ready your quills to take notes; today's lesson is not covered in your textbook, nor will you have any handouts from which to revise." He surveyed the room – he had every boy's rapt attention. "Today we will be talking about Deviant Sexual Behavior."  
  
The shocked look on their faces almost made Severus smile, but he kept his composure.  
  
"What exactly do I mean by this? Who can define the word 'deviant' for us?"  
  
A few shy hands went up. He decided to pick on a tall Slytherin boy. If anyone knew what "deviant" meant, it would be that boy's father. "Mr. Rathmore?"  
  
"Not normal or, um, kinky," answered Rathmore.  
  
"Yes," said Severus, using his most slippery voice. "It means departing from what everyone else thinks is normal. And some of the practices could well be described as 'kinky', yes."  
  
Severus then went into a fifteen-minute discourse on homosexuality, culminating in an extremely explicit description of anal sex. After no one had any questions, he moved on to describe sadism and masochism, touched briefly on domination and submission, and then gleefully told them about bondage and sexual torture devices, of which he had created overheads so that he could point out their distinctive features.  
  
Having completely overwhelmed and traumatized the class by the end of the period, Severus ended the lesson by asking, "Who here knows why I'm teaching you all of this?"  
  
Not a single hand rose in the air. Each boy was desperately trying to avoid eye contact with him or with any of the other students.  
  
"No one? Then I'll tell you. Approximately ten percent of males enjoy these activities and practice them regularly. Another twenty percent will indulge occasionally. And fully fifty percent of you will try one of these things at least once. If you are approached by a potential partner, you ought to know what you're agreeing to before you do it."  
  
There was silence as the boys cast uncomfortable looks at one another. Each was likely trying to determine which of their classmates would willingly do these things. Severus wondered idly whether those figures he'd just made up came anywhere close to reality. No matter: if Pomfrey could lie with statistics, than so could he.  
  
The bell rang.  
  
"Remember – committing any of these acts at Hogwarts will be grounds for immediate expulsion. Class dismissed."  
  
The students couldn't get out of the room soon enough. Wearing a huge grin, Severus ambled over to his desk. The lecture had gone perfectly; there wasn't a single student who had walked out without a disturbed look on his face. Sure, they were only fourteen, but hell, by age fourteen he'd learned all this and more the hard way.  
  
His smile faded when his eyes landed on his beautiful leather flogger he'd meant to show the students. He sighed as he picked it up. Perhaps he'd use it as an exam question then.  
  
~*~*~  
  
"Severus," said Dumbledore, glancing up at him above his half-moon glasses, "you know why I've asked you here this afternoon, don't you?"  
  
Dumbledore continued to stare at him, but Severus merely smiled blandly. "No, sir. Your note just mentioned a matter of some importance." Of course, Severus knew perfectly well why he'd been summoned; he'd been expecting it for days. However, one didn't survive three years in the Dark Lord's inner circle without being an excellent liar and a damn good Occlumens as well.  
  
Dumbledore hesitated before speaking. "I can usually count on receiving three owls per term from angry parents concerning the Hogwarts curriculum – I got four during Professor Slughorn's last term, but other than that, exactly three." Dumbledore pointed to a stack of parchment on the desk in front of him. "This _week_ , I've received six."  
  
Severus continued his silence, not flinching or showing remorse of any kind.  
  
"The fourth-year parents don't seem to care for your revamped sex education curriculum."  
  
"Ah," said Severus, noncommittally.  
  
Dumbledore caught his eye again and smiled at him kindly. "Severus, if teaching this course was causing you that much distress, you should have taken it out on me rather than the children."  
  
 _As if you'd have paid any damned attention to my complaints_ , thought Severus. "I don't know what you mean, sir. My understanding is that you wanted to impress upon our young students that their actions would yield certain repercussions. I can assure you that every student left my classroom with a clear understanding of which behaviors would lead to immediate expulsion."  
  
Dumbledore stared at him for a long while. With a slight shake of his head, Dumbledore said, "Very well. I believe you are nearly through with the unit; I will let you see it through and reassign it to someone else next year."  
  
"As you wish, Professor," answered Severus solemnly. "I'm terribly sorry if I've made things difficult for you."  
  
Dumbledore waved his concern aside. "No matter. If it weren't this, it would be some other pressing issue. Good day, Severus."  
  
Severus bolted from the office. It wasn't until he reached the seclusion of his chambers that he let the self-satisfied smirk escape. Let Kettleburn and Vector call him smug now, because he'd thoroughly earned it.  



End file.
